Dear Robin reconnecting me with my blog

The Rules Are:

1. Link to the person who tagged you (did that above)
2. Post the rules on your blog (doing that here)
3. Write 6 random things/unspectacular quirks about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

So- My dear friend robin has a wonderful blog that connects me to wonderful things like my favorite books, etsy art, and memories. this is a link to her bloghttp://www.alittlerobin.com/' 

now I am supposed to share some quirky things about me... here we go.

1)  I like reading more than one book at the time. Mostly they are connected by theme (like earlier this summer the theme was Mormon- I was reading Under the Banner of Heaven, The book of Mormon and Escape all at once) Right now the theme is Public Health ( I am reading one about the Salk Polio vaccine, one about the cholera epidemic in london in the 1840's and the consequent  discovery by Dr. Snow about the Broad street water pump as the culprit and the last one i'm reading about how a Hmong family is able to connect their traditional beliefs with western medicine when their daughter begins having epileptic attacks)

2) I love watching movies. I have one specific movie partner I love watching movies with the most. Any movie works for me, i don't even have to like it that much- I like it when the room is dark and i am curled up on the couch, i love making unnecessary comments about the acting and dialogue, I love pretending that i too am a professional movie critic (this one was ok , not as good as last nights, i would give it one thumb up, can you even say one thumb up?) ALso I love going to the movie theatre- but I usually get too cold inside. 

3) Speaking of cold- I am always cold and I hate it. I hate being cold. The thought of having to walk to class in the freezing weather is making me anxious already- its only September. I am cold when I sleep, cold in bed, cold when i wake up, cold when its warm outside. I get made fun of a lot for it. 

4) I like eating my foods mixed together. My mom thinks its rude and disgusting. For some reason tho I like having all my foods in one bite- cold and warm. Not sweet things tho- since i don't like sweet things in the first place ( i know im horrible- i dont liek cake or muffins or candy- sorry robin!!)

5) I hate being alone but I love living alone. I like having my won space, my own life, my own place, but i always always have people over- especially for meals. I love cooking for people and having people over for slumber parties. Some people think they overextend their stay and that they should leave but i assure them that i would kick them out if i got sick of them. I really do love having people around and mothering them. 

6) I love things that make my house smell nice...scented candles, incense, burning oils, perfume, plug ins, flowers, febreeze. In fact sometimes i use all of them together- its a bit much. 

ANyway- dear Robin- I love you dearly and miss you so much. 

elephantine

i hate sitting around and feeling like that person who was just screwed. not in a horrible way- not like my best friend just spread a rumor about me - not like i got caught cruising facebook at work- not like i completely humiliated myself in front of a large crowd. it is however a feeling like someone who i want to believe and who i want to be with who blows me off. someone who i want to see so badly for no reason at all someone who i know this about: why would i want to be with someone so badly who does not be with me always who does not want to be with me in bad time in annoying times in boring times- but only selective times. 

it seems silly. i should be able to do what he does. not be pick up the phone. make other plans and  disregarding his plans at all. be ready for other people. close my eyes and not see him. it doesnt make any sense at all. 

not sleeping again

Something always wakes me up way too early. The noise of the constructions that are being made on the house across the street (sanding, boombox, electric saw), some car starting in the parking lot, me sighing too loudly. I open my eyes (just a little bit) and think please please don't think it don't think it just go to sleep and then i fail miserably again and again and think of him. Then it all begins: my heart tightens, my lungs tighten, my stomach hurts, and i can't ever sleep again. not that day. 

I think: do i deserve this- it is not love when he leaves me- it is not love when he strings me along and says things that perhaps are appropriate for that moment - he might even feel it at that time but not when he leaves, not when he is alone not when he is with someone else. 

how dare he take my sleep away, my rest, the only time of my days my thoughts of him are absent unless he visits in my dreams (although sometimes other men visit my dreams as well- like Paul McCartney who was my lover in last nights dream) But he doesn't care he is taking that away- no just as he didn't care when he took my heart when he took the future we were supposed to have. 

I fluctuate between being desperate and being angry. How dare he talk to me like this and then ignore me- how dare he take my sleep- how dare he leave me in the first place- how dare he after 3.5 months apart to still rob me of my sanity like this. 

ginger

this is the newest member of the clan: ginger the goldendoodle.

i love him mostly because he is kind of strange looking.

dalai llama

Maybe you have to be the 14 dalai llama to be so happy and nice. he was funny, and gentle, and soft spoken, and he laughed at him self. the buddha reincarnate laughed at himself. maybe that is what we are all missing- a bit of humor- not take ourselves so seriously- understand our modesty in life- our miniscule part in this giant universe. positive attitude, thirst for knowledge, open mindedness. affection. 

getting over

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

-colin hay

also 

"30 Cents, Two Transfers, Love"
Thinking hard about you
I got onto the bus
and paid 30 cents car fare
and asked the driver for
     two transfers
before discovering that I
     was alone. 

-Richard Brautigan

"Please"
Do you think of me
as often as I think
     of you? 

-Richard Brautigan

bed sides

and i said isn't that my side of the bed, and he said no, i've always slept on this side of the bed. and then i remembered and he was right- it seems that i had forgotten which side had been his and which side was mine. 

thinking about you

i think about you in the mornings, when i open my eyes, or keep them closed (just the same) whether i had a dream about you that night or not (although most nights i do)

i think about you when i go to sleep, when i sprawl in my much too large bed, or curl up holding a pillow between my arms and legs

i think about you when i shower by myself, when i run the rugged sponge over my skin, rubbing ferociously, never reaching that one part of my back that you always washed for me

i think about you when i walk alone or with others, not having a hand to hold on to automatically, like magnets, not having an arm around my shoulder, no one to walk me home when it is dark outside and i get nervous when someone approaches my side of the sidewalk, and no one to kiss goodbye

every place in this god damn town remind me of you, every restaurant that we sat at together, every store that we browsed through, every park and park bench, every side walk and crack in the concrete, in fact every tree and bush, every landmark and mailbox reminds me of you

i think about you when i write words, when i write numbers, when i use my phone or my computer, when i use my camera to take pictures you are not in

i think about you when i drink wine, and when i drink water out of bottles, and even when i drink milk which i rarely do but i know you do

i think about you when i inhale and when i exhale, although i seem to forget how to because my mind is so focused on you

i think about you when i look at other men and when they look at me, when i am getting dressed, when i stand naked in front of the mirror 

every mole that you knew by heart makes me think of you, the way my hair looks in the mornings, my breath when i wake up, my toothbrush (i threw yours out long ago), my soap (which you liked to use) the books that you gave me

i think about you all the time, when i am sleeping and sleep walking

i think about you whenever i cant find  a lighter to light my cigarette (which i know you always found annoying, but you never minded sharing yours) 

every channel on the television, every movie that we have seen, and every preview for movies that we should see together, every song is suddenly written for me, every song about heartbreak that is (the songs about love are no longer familiar)

i think about you at certain times, like 6 in the morning, 2 in the morning, 4 in the afternoon, 8 in the evening, 10 at night

i think about you on the 28th of every month, every 26th, every 18th every 1st. 

its as if you are living inside my head and i can't get rid of you

georgia?

L.A. proved too much for the man So he's leavin' the life he's come to know He said he's goin' back to find what's left of his world The world he left behind not so long ago  He's leavin' on that midnight train to Georgia Said he's goin' back to find the simpler place and time I'll be with him on that midnight train to Georgia I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine  He kept dreamin' that someday he'd be a star But he sho' found out the hard way that dreams don't always come true So he's pawned all his hopes and he even sold his own car Bought a one-way ticket back to the life he once knew  Said he's leavin' on that midnight train to Georgia Said he's goin' back to find the simpler place and time I'm gonna be with him on that midnight train to Georgia I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine  Oh he's leavin' on the midnight train to Georgia Said he's goin' back to find the simpler place and time I've got to be with him on that midnight train to Georgia I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine  All aboard, all aboard, all aboard On the midnight train to Georgia I got to go I got to go I got to go

being away

i used to love to go away and come back to you 

to hear you far away and know that soon i will see you

to count the days

and then kiss you like a stranger

but in a way you are a stranger now- and will be when i get back

i might see you and i will not kiss you

i am away and coming back- but not to you no not to you

answers

i thought that going through the motions, being together like we were before but not really being together, holding each other, smiling from the corner of our eyes- sleeping and waking up together, would work. i thought i could do it- that a temporary suspension of reality inside the walls of my house would relief me and make me smile and then satisfy me for a certain amount of time and then i could just go on on this journey we are going on- separately and not together. 

it worked for 24 hours. but today, waking up i felt cheated that he wasn't next to me. i felt like it was all wrong again, all messed up. i thought that i could be in a casual encounter, share the friendship that we have, share the passion that we have without all the ugly and seriousness of what we were, but maybe i can't maybe i love him too much. maybe i am scared i am falling out of love with him. 

maybe love never goes away- even if we saw each other in 20 years after not seeing each other after today. or at least thats what he said. perhaps it is only the confusion of what is it, and what have i and what are we, after years and years of knowing the answer to those questions exactly.

and then there is his voice that i want to hear, the answers that he might not have either, the strength i have to endure not to call him, the feeling in the gut of my belly. the hope that things would be good they could be good perhaps. the feeling of anger that he cant have his cake and eat it too and that he will see me and then he will see her, and i dont know what he tells her.

and that i love him still but that things were going so well and then he came back and ruined it and that the ruining of it all felt so good and now i am suspended in mid air chocking not knowing how to breathe, not knowing how to sleep again. 

that i did not sleep that night was inevitable. while he slept like a rock as he always did i wanted to stare at him and inhale him and remember what it was like to be next to him, i held him closely all night long, counted his freckles, his breaths, outlined the contour of his bones and muscles. and then we woke up- and all was over and all was gone when he walked out the door. 

sometimes

some days i feel like this...

graduation

today i talked to someone who suggested to have a nice dinner for my graduation. just your close family and friends he said. and i thought that he would not be there, in this milestone he would not be there- not any milestone from now on in which i imagined him to be a part- he will not be there, not now- not for the small events- not ever. 

and that is scary perhaps, its unknown, its unpleasant, perhaps it is sad also. and i want to be there for his milestone, his graduation, his events, his happiness and i know i cant be there because he doesnt want me to, he wont ask me to be there- and even if i want him there and he wants me- we cannot. not now- perhaps not ever. 

an old song with new meaning

20,000 seconds since you've left and I'm still counting

And 20,000 reasons to get up, get something done

But I'm still waiting

Is someone kind enough to

Pick me up and give me food, assure me that the world is good

But you should be here, you should be here

How colors can change and even the texture of the rain

And what's that ugly little stain on the bathroom floor

I'd rather not deal with that right now

I'd rather be floating in space somewhere or

Worry about the ozone layer

And it's almost like a corny movie scene

But I'm out of frame and the lighting's bad

And the music has no theme

And we're all so strong when nothing's wrong

And the world is at our feet

But how small we are when our love is far away

And all you need is you

K's Choice

family and friends

This is some of my family. At least the family that is now left in Michigan. I went home for dinner today and suddenly my step dad got teary eyed. I was surprised and nervous about he situation- seeing men cry is not the easiest thing. He said that he felt overwhelmed with sadness- that he felt he was losing touch with people- that he wishes he was better at communicating and keeping friendships alive, to nurture the relationship with his children. It made me think about my own relationships. Am I trying hard enough to keep my friendships alive? Are a few phone calls a month enough to really stay united? Also when it comes to him, are weekly phonecalls or meetings enough or too much? What kind of relationship am i nurturing? Its difficult to say really. all i know is that your real friend- your real loves- your family- will be there, even if you don't talk, even if you don't see each other, somehow magically that bond never ceases to exist. 

futures

It's scary not to know where i will be next year- it's all up to some people sitting in an office, judging my ability, my accomplishments, my potential. 

I could stay in this town, i could go to the east coast, or out west- god knows- and there is nothing here to sway me one way or the other. 

there is no one here to tell me please i want you to stay, or yes lets go somewhere completely different and don't worry, even if everything else changes around us we will always still have each other. 

melting

it seems as though the world outside my window is melting- all the snow that accumulated in the past days is morphing out of its present molecular structure into something else- the sun after hiding for too long is finally alive again finally trying to break through all the layers of cold and ice. 

my inability to sleep adds to the wonder i am experiencing- the heavyness of my insides, the density of my blood and foggyness between my ears and legs- all part of the eerie consciousness i have found myself in. 

sometimes i am just scared that my body, which used to be a vast container of love and friendship, and passion, and happiness is slowly emptying- as if some hole in my body is causing it to leak into the air that surrounds me. 

waiting around

i spent the weekend with my baby brother while our parents moved our siste to DC. we had a wonderful time and learned many things like how many rooms the white house has (132 or 123, either way it has 100 steps) what a group of sharks is called ( a shiver of sharks) how and when the earth was made (4.5 billion years ago) and how much we love each other (much much much much never ending much).
i also took care of him while he was running a high fever- mind you there is few things that i have experienced that have been scarier- moaning in his sleep, sweating, hoping that is temp will go down next time i measure him, holding him- but he made it through after a long sleepless night on my part- how does one do it as a mother? there is nothing worse to me than seeing your poor sick child in pain, i would much rather feel the pain myself tenfold than see him like that.

i feel like a school girl waiting for a phone call.

sisters

sisters are something very special. they are your partners in crime. your best friends in sadness. your enemy in arguments. your helpers in need. my sister is leaving, for the first time in my entire life my sister will be going to live somewhere without me. i won't be able to see her whenever i want to, i won't be able to call her and hang out if i need her- i suppose that's part of growing up- isn't it? to me it just feels like another piece of the puzzle of my life that is coming crushing down like the tower of babel- and like the builders of that famous tower- i don't understand the things spoken to me-- all of a sudden all thing surrounding me are foreign and strange and unreal. 

it is now for the first time in many many years that i will learn to live alone and live to love myself- without anybody's elses love to follow...

feverish dreams

I have this reoccurring dream that he walks in the door and I say were have you been, and he says I'm sorry I'm late, and I say what took you so long. Then we kiss like nothing happened at all.

Now every time I hear someone on the steps my heart stops. 

Even though I know that's not how he would do things at all, he never much liked surprises- especially now. 

I feel like I am wasting my time.