georgia?

L.A. proved too much for the man So he's leavin' the life he's come to know He said he's goin' back to find what's left of his world The world he left behind not so long ago  He's leavin' on that midnight train to Georgia Said he's goin' back to find the simpler place and time I'll be with him on that midnight train to Georgia I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine  He kept dreamin' that someday he'd be a star But he sho' found out the hard way that dreams don't always come true So he's pawned all his hopes and he even sold his own car Bought a one-way ticket back to the life he once knew  Said he's leavin' on that midnight train to Georgia Said he's goin' back to find the simpler place and time I'm gonna be with him on that midnight train to Georgia I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine  Oh he's leavin' on the midnight train to Georgia Said he's goin' back to find the simpler place and time I've got to be with him on that midnight train to Georgia I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine  All aboard, all aboard, all aboard On the midnight train to Georgia I got to go I got to go I got to go

being away

i used to love to go away and come back to you 

to hear you far away and know that soon i will see you

to count the days

and then kiss you like a stranger

but in a way you are a stranger now- and will be when i get back

i might see you and i will not kiss you

i am away and coming back- but not to you no not to you

answers

i thought that going through the motions, being together like we were before but not really being together, holding each other, smiling from the corner of our eyes- sleeping and waking up together, would work. i thought i could do it- that a temporary suspension of reality inside the walls of my house would relief me and make me smile and then satisfy me for a certain amount of time and then i could just go on on this journey we are going on- separately and not together. 

it worked for 24 hours. but today, waking up i felt cheated that he wasn't next to me. i felt like it was all wrong again, all messed up. i thought that i could be in a casual encounter, share the friendship that we have, share the passion that we have without all the ugly and seriousness of what we were, but maybe i can't maybe i love him too much. maybe i am scared i am falling out of love with him. 

maybe love never goes away- even if we saw each other in 20 years after not seeing each other after today. or at least thats what he said. perhaps it is only the confusion of what is it, and what have i and what are we, after years and years of knowing the answer to those questions exactly.

and then there is his voice that i want to hear, the answers that he might not have either, the strength i have to endure not to call him, the feeling in the gut of my belly. the hope that things would be good they could be good perhaps. the feeling of anger that he cant have his cake and eat it too and that he will see me and then he will see her, and i dont know what he tells her.

and that i love him still but that things were going so well and then he came back and ruined it and that the ruining of it all felt so good and now i am suspended in mid air chocking not knowing how to breathe, not knowing how to sleep again. 

that i did not sleep that night was inevitable. while he slept like a rock as he always did i wanted to stare at him and inhale him and remember what it was like to be next to him, i held him closely all night long, counted his freckles, his breaths, outlined the contour of his bones and muscles. and then we woke up- and all was over and all was gone when he walked out the door. 

sometimes

some days i feel like this...

graduation

today i talked to someone who suggested to have a nice dinner for my graduation. just your close family and friends he said. and i thought that he would not be there, in this milestone he would not be there- not any milestone from now on in which i imagined him to be a part- he will not be there, not now- not for the small events- not ever. 

and that is scary perhaps, its unknown, its unpleasant, perhaps it is sad also. and i want to be there for his milestone, his graduation, his events, his happiness and i know i cant be there because he doesnt want me to, he wont ask me to be there- and even if i want him there and he wants me- we cannot. not now- perhaps not ever. 

an old song with new meaning

20,000 seconds since you've left and I'm still counting

And 20,000 reasons to get up, get something done

But I'm still waiting

Is someone kind enough to

Pick me up and give me food, assure me that the world is good

But you should be here, you should be here

How colors can change and even the texture of the rain

And what's that ugly little stain on the bathroom floor

I'd rather not deal with that right now

I'd rather be floating in space somewhere or

Worry about the ozone layer

And it's almost like a corny movie scene

But I'm out of frame and the lighting's bad

And the music has no theme

And we're all so strong when nothing's wrong

And the world is at our feet

But how small we are when our love is far away

And all you need is you

K's Choice

family and friends

This is some of my family. At least the family that is now left in Michigan. I went home for dinner today and suddenly my step dad got teary eyed. I was surprised and nervous about he situation- seeing men cry is not the easiest thing. He said that he felt overwhelmed with sadness- that he felt he was losing touch with people- that he wishes he was better at communicating and keeping friendships alive, to nurture the relationship with his children. It made me think about my own relationships. Am I trying hard enough to keep my friendships alive? Are a few phone calls a month enough to really stay united? Also when it comes to him, are weekly phonecalls or meetings enough or too much? What kind of relationship am i nurturing? Its difficult to say really. all i know is that your real friend- your real loves- your family- will be there, even if you don't talk, even if you don't see each other, somehow magically that bond never ceases to exist. 

futures

It's scary not to know where i will be next year- it's all up to some people sitting in an office, judging my ability, my accomplishments, my potential. 

I could stay in this town, i could go to the east coast, or out west- god knows- and there is nothing here to sway me one way or the other. 

there is no one here to tell me please i want you to stay, or yes lets go somewhere completely different and don't worry, even if everything else changes around us we will always still have each other. 

melting

it seems as though the world outside my window is melting- all the snow that accumulated in the past days is morphing out of its present molecular structure into something else- the sun after hiding for too long is finally alive again finally trying to break through all the layers of cold and ice. 

my inability to sleep adds to the wonder i am experiencing- the heavyness of my insides, the density of my blood and foggyness between my ears and legs- all part of the eerie consciousness i have found myself in. 

sometimes i am just scared that my body, which used to be a vast container of love and friendship, and passion, and happiness is slowly emptying- as if some hole in my body is causing it to leak into the air that surrounds me.