thinking about you

i think about you in the mornings, when i open my eyes, or keep them closed (just the same) whether i had a dream about you that night or not (although most nights i do)

i think about you when i go to sleep, when i sprawl in my much too large bed, or curl up holding a pillow between my arms and legs

i think about you when i shower by myself, when i run the rugged sponge over my skin, rubbing ferociously, never reaching that one part of my back that you always washed for me

i think about you when i walk alone or with others, not having a hand to hold on to automatically, like magnets, not having an arm around my shoulder, no one to walk me home when it is dark outside and i get nervous when someone approaches my side of the sidewalk, and no one to kiss goodbye

every place in this god damn town remind me of you, every restaurant that we sat at together, every store that we browsed through, every park and park bench, every side walk and crack in the concrete, in fact every tree and bush, every landmark and mailbox reminds me of you

i think about you when i write words, when i write numbers, when i use my phone or my computer, when i use my camera to take pictures you are not in

i think about you when i drink wine, and when i drink water out of bottles, and even when i drink milk which i rarely do but i know you do

i think about you when i inhale and when i exhale, although i seem to forget how to because my mind is so focused on you

i think about you when i look at other men and when they look at me, when i am getting dressed, when i stand naked in front of the mirror 

every mole that you knew by heart makes me think of you, the way my hair looks in the mornings, my breath when i wake up, my toothbrush (i threw yours out long ago), my soap (which you liked to use) the books that you gave me

i think about you all the time, when i am sleeping and sleep walking

i think about you whenever i cant find  a lighter to light my cigarette (which i know you always found annoying, but you never minded sharing yours) 

every channel on the television, every movie that we have seen, and every preview for movies that we should see together, every song is suddenly written for me, every song about heartbreak that is (the songs about love are no longer familiar)

i think about you at certain times, like 6 in the morning, 2 in the morning, 4 in the afternoon, 8 in the evening, 10 at night

i think about you on the 28th of every month, every 26th, every 18th every 1st. 

its as if you are living inside my head and i can't get rid of you