waiting around

i spent the weekend with my baby brother while our parents moved our siste to DC. we had a wonderful time and learned many things like how many rooms the white house has (132 or 123, either way it has 100 steps) what a group of sharks is called ( a shiver of sharks) how and when the earth was made (4.5 billion years ago) and how much we love each other (much much much much never ending much).
i also took care of him while he was running a high fever- mind you there is few things that i have experienced that have been scarier- moaning in his sleep, sweating, hoping that is temp will go down next time i measure him, holding him- but he made it through after a long sleepless night on my part- how does one do it as a mother? there is nothing worse to me than seeing your poor sick child in pain, i would much rather feel the pain myself tenfold than see him like that.

i feel like a school girl waiting for a phone call.

sisters

sisters are something very special. they are your partners in crime. your best friends in sadness. your enemy in arguments. your helpers in need. my sister is leaving, for the first time in my entire life my sister will be going to live somewhere without me. i won't be able to see her whenever i want to, i won't be able to call her and hang out if i need her- i suppose that's part of growing up- isn't it? to me it just feels like another piece of the puzzle of my life that is coming crushing down like the tower of babel- and like the builders of that famous tower- i don't understand the things spoken to me-- all of a sudden all thing surrounding me are foreign and strange and unreal. 

it is now for the first time in many many years that i will learn to live alone and live to love myself- without anybody's elses love to follow...

feverish dreams

I have this reoccurring dream that he walks in the door and I say were have you been, and he says I'm sorry I'm late, and I say what took you so long. Then we kiss like nothing happened at all.

Now every time I hear someone on the steps my heart stops. 

Even though I know that's not how he would do things at all, he never much liked surprises- especially now. 

I feel like I am wasting my time.