not sleeping again

Something always wakes me up way too early. The noise of the constructions that are being made on the house across the street (sanding, boombox, electric saw), some car starting in the parking lot, me sighing too loudly. I open my eyes (just a little bit) and think please please don't think it don't think it just go to sleep and then i fail miserably again and again and think of him. Then it all begins: my heart tightens, my lungs tighten, my stomach hurts, and i can't ever sleep again. not that day. 

I think: do i deserve this- it is not love when he leaves me- it is not love when he strings me along and says things that perhaps are appropriate for that moment - he might even feel it at that time but not when he leaves, not when he is alone not when he is with someone else. 

how dare he take my sleep away, my rest, the only time of my days my thoughts of him are absent unless he visits in my dreams (although sometimes other men visit my dreams as well- like Paul McCartney who was my lover in last nights dream) But he doesn't care he is taking that away- no just as he didn't care when he took my heart when he took the future we were supposed to have. 

I fluctuate between being desperate and being angry. How dare he talk to me like this and then ignore me- how dare he take my sleep- how dare he leave me in the first place- how dare he after 3.5 months apart to still rob me of my sanity like this.