bed sides

and i said isn't that my side of the bed, and he said no, i've always slept on this side of the bed. and then i remembered and he was right- it seems that i had forgotten which side had been his and which side was mine. 

thinking about you

i think about you in the mornings, when i open my eyes, or keep them closed (just the same) whether i had a dream about you that night or not (although most nights i do)

i think about you when i go to sleep, when i sprawl in my much too large bed, or curl up holding a pillow between my arms and legs

i think about you when i shower by myself, when i run the rugged sponge over my skin, rubbing ferociously, never reaching that one part of my back that you always washed for me

i think about you when i walk alone or with others, not having a hand to hold on to automatically, like magnets, not having an arm around my shoulder, no one to walk me home when it is dark outside and i get nervous when someone approaches my side of the sidewalk, and no one to kiss goodbye

every place in this god damn town remind me of you, every restaurant that we sat at together, every store that we browsed through, every park and park bench, every side walk and crack in the concrete, in fact every tree and bush, every landmark and mailbox reminds me of you

i think about you when i write words, when i write numbers, when i use my phone or my computer, when i use my camera to take pictures you are not in

i think about you when i drink wine, and when i drink water out of bottles, and even when i drink milk which i rarely do but i know you do

i think about you when i inhale and when i exhale, although i seem to forget how to because my mind is so focused on you

i think about you when i look at other men and when they look at me, when i am getting dressed, when i stand naked in front of the mirror 

every mole that you knew by heart makes me think of you, the way my hair looks in the mornings, my breath when i wake up, my toothbrush (i threw yours out long ago), my soap (which you liked to use) the books that you gave me

i think about you all the time, when i am sleeping and sleep walking

i think about you whenever i cant find  a lighter to light my cigarette (which i know you always found annoying, but you never minded sharing yours) 

every channel on the television, every movie that we have seen, and every preview for movies that we should see together, every song is suddenly written for me, every song about heartbreak that is (the songs about love are no longer familiar)

i think about you at certain times, like 6 in the morning, 2 in the morning, 4 in the afternoon, 8 in the evening, 10 at night

i think about you on the 28th of every month, every 26th, every 18th every 1st. 

its as if you are living inside my head and i can't get rid of you

georgia?

L.A. proved too much for the man So he's leavin' the life he's come to know He said he's goin' back to find what's left of his world The world he left behind not so long ago  He's leavin' on that midnight train to Georgia Said he's goin' back to find the simpler place and time I'll be with him on that midnight train to Georgia I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine  He kept dreamin' that someday he'd be a star But he sho' found out the hard way that dreams don't always come true So he's pawned all his hopes and he even sold his own car Bought a one-way ticket back to the life he once knew  Said he's leavin' on that midnight train to Georgia Said he's goin' back to find the simpler place and time I'm gonna be with him on that midnight train to Georgia I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine  Oh he's leavin' on the midnight train to Georgia Said he's goin' back to find the simpler place and time I've got to be with him on that midnight train to Georgia I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine  All aboard, all aboard, all aboard On the midnight train to Georgia I got to go I got to go I got to go

being away

i used to love to go away and come back to you 

to hear you far away and know that soon i will see you

to count the days

and then kiss you like a stranger

but in a way you are a stranger now- and will be when i get back

i might see you and i will not kiss you

i am away and coming back- but not to you no not to you

answers

i thought that going through the motions, being together like we were before but not really being together, holding each other, smiling from the corner of our eyes- sleeping and waking up together, would work. i thought i could do it- that a temporary suspension of reality inside the walls of my house would relief me and make me smile and then satisfy me for a certain amount of time and then i could just go on on this journey we are going on- separately and not together. 

it worked for 24 hours. but today, waking up i felt cheated that he wasn't next to me. i felt like it was all wrong again, all messed up. i thought that i could be in a casual encounter, share the friendship that we have, share the passion that we have without all the ugly and seriousness of what we were, but maybe i can't maybe i love him too much. maybe i am scared i am falling out of love with him. 

maybe love never goes away- even if we saw each other in 20 years after not seeing each other after today. or at least thats what he said. perhaps it is only the confusion of what is it, and what have i and what are we, after years and years of knowing the answer to those questions exactly.

and then there is his voice that i want to hear, the answers that he might not have either, the strength i have to endure not to call him, the feeling in the gut of my belly. the hope that things would be good they could be good perhaps. the feeling of anger that he cant have his cake and eat it too and that he will see me and then he will see her, and i dont know what he tells her.

and that i love him still but that things were going so well and then he came back and ruined it and that the ruining of it all felt so good and now i am suspended in mid air chocking not knowing how to breathe, not knowing how to sleep again. 

that i did not sleep that night was inevitable. while he slept like a rock as he always did i wanted to stare at him and inhale him and remember what it was like to be next to him, i held him closely all night long, counted his freckles, his breaths, outlined the contour of his bones and muscles. and then we woke up- and all was over and all was gone when he walked out the door. 

sometimes

some days i feel like this...

graduation

today i talked to someone who suggested to have a nice dinner for my graduation. just your close family and friends he said. and i thought that he would not be there, in this milestone he would not be there- not any milestone from now on in which i imagined him to be a part- he will not be there, not now- not for the small events- not ever. 

and that is scary perhaps, its unknown, its unpleasant, perhaps it is sad also. and i want to be there for his milestone, his graduation, his events, his happiness and i know i cant be there because he doesnt want me to, he wont ask me to be there- and even if i want him there and he wants me- we cannot. not now- perhaps not ever.