answers

i thought that going through the motions, being together like we were before but not really being together, holding each other, smiling from the corner of our eyes- sleeping and waking up together, would work. i thought i could do it- that a temporary suspension of reality inside the walls of my house would relief me and make me smile and then satisfy me for a certain amount of time and then i could just go on on this journey we are going on- separately and not together. 

it worked for 24 hours. but today, waking up i felt cheated that he wasn't next to me. i felt like it was all wrong again, all messed up. i thought that i could be in a casual encounter, share the friendship that we have, share the passion that we have without all the ugly and seriousness of what we were, but maybe i can't maybe i love him too much. maybe i am scared i am falling out of love with him. 

maybe love never goes away- even if we saw each other in 20 years after not seeing each other after today. or at least thats what he said. perhaps it is only the confusion of what is it, and what have i and what are we, after years and years of knowing the answer to those questions exactly.

and then there is his voice that i want to hear, the answers that he might not have either, the strength i have to endure not to call him, the feeling in the gut of my belly. the hope that things would be good they could be good perhaps. the feeling of anger that he cant have his cake and eat it too and that he will see me and then he will see her, and i dont know what he tells her.

and that i love him still but that things were going so well and then he came back and ruined it and that the ruining of it all felt so good and now i am suspended in mid air chocking not knowing how to breathe, not knowing how to sleep again. 

that i did not sleep that night was inevitable. while he slept like a rock as he always did i wanted to stare at him and inhale him and remember what it was like to be next to him, i held him closely all night long, counted his freckles, his breaths, outlined the contour of his bones and muscles. and then we woke up- and all was over and all was gone when he walked out the door.