graduation

today i talked to someone who suggested to have a nice dinner for my graduation. just your close family and friends he said. and i thought that he would not be there, in this milestone he would not be there- not any milestone from now on in which i imagined him to be a part- he will not be there, not now- not for the small events- not ever. 

and that is scary perhaps, its unknown, its unpleasant, perhaps it is sad also. and i want to be there for his milestone, his graduation, his events, his happiness and i know i cant be there because he doesnt want me to, he wont ask me to be there- and even if i want him there and he wants me- we cannot. not now- perhaps not ever.